ritu says:
Hi dear anjali aunty, I am in a situation in which I shouldn’t be & now since I am here I am very confused & I need your help.
Aunty I am Ritu here, when I went through this blog, I saw that you have not only addresed pure sexual issues of people but also relationship issues related to sex & this is what prompted me to seek your advice since I am in one such issue.
I am a married girl, married now for just over a year & a half. Well the problem here is my husband’s job & the outcome of this in my life. He is in such a job which takes him abroad & he is able to come home only once in four months for about two to three weeks & he has to go back again. It’s been like this since we got married & since the last one year he has come home only three times. I have told him many times to change his job, but he says that he has signed a contract with the company & will have to do this job for the next two years before he can even think of looking for another job.
Now aunty, you can very well understand because of this our sex life has suffered & when I got married I had so many desires which are not fulfilled. Me & my husband have sex only when he comes home for those two or three weeks. We live in a flat in a city where we don’t have any relations & this makes my life even more frustrating. I understand that he also must be feeling the same way & I spoke to him regarding this & he told me that since his work is so hectic , he doesn’t even think about this & the same was with me, since I also work, I try to indulge myself in my work & never really thought about another man seriously, until now.
There is this guy who lives in our apartment, who lives in the adjecent block. Well, from the past one year, definetly he must have noticed that my husband comes home once in four months & most of the time I live alone. About four months back he started making contact with me & started approaching me. Days passed & I knew that he was intrested in me, but never thought of this anything more that a simple innocent flirt. Since I also was alone I accepted him as a friend. Initally we used to talk only briefly, when ever I used to come back from my office I used to see him in the parking area where we both used to park our cars. One day we were waiting for the lift & that was the day we introduced ourselfs in detail. He is also working & of same age group as me & my husband & not married. I asked him why he is not yet married & he told me that it is in the process & he is looking for a girl & soon will get married.
After this incedent, whenever he used to go to the local mall for shopping he used to call me & I used to go with him. Even at this stage although I knew that he is flirting with me, I took it just as a normal thing & I never thought that this will lead to anykind of relation between us & I thought that incase I find things are getting out of controll, I will stop it right there. But as of that day I thought that he is just my friend & offcourse a male friend & since I was alone, I really liked having a male companion with me & was open to going out with him for shopping may be to a resturant some times, but nothing more than that.
In between my husband also came home & by then me & that guy had become good friends & I even introduced him to my husband, since we bought & moved in to this flat recently & because of the nature of my husband’s job, my husband had never met him before. This time I really had good sex with my husband & soon it was time for my husband to leave & he left. After this I noticed that this guy was flirting more & more with me. He wanted me to spend more time with him & started calling me to go out with him almost everyday. I resisted this & tried telling him that I was tired & I can’t go out with him & things like that, but he was very persistant & most of the time his will to take me out was stronger than my resistance & I would end up going out with him for dinner, shopping ect.
One day he asked me that whether he can come over to my house for tea in the evening & I agreed. We sat together & talked a lot about eachother & came to know eachother well. I found him to be a very nice, caring & gentle guy. We got so close that since he stays alone, whenever I cooked something for dinner, he would come over to my flat & we both would have dinner together & sometimes he used to take me out for dinner. We even started playing badminton together with other same age group couples & other residents of our apartment & we used to be on the same team. When I spoke to my husband over phone, I even mentioned this, even he felt happy that I have a friend with whom I could talk to & spend some time with, since we didn’t have anyone in this city & even I never saw our relation anymore than a normal friendship.
This was going on & one day now which had become usual for me, he called me when I was in my flat, I had just come from my office, he told me that today we will go out for dinner & that day I really didn’t feel like going out & I told him too. But, as I had mentioned earlier, his will to charm me & take me out was stronger than my resistance to go out & I agreed & that day in the resturant when we were having our dinner, he finally told me the thing which made me see things differently & was the cause for me to think differently now. Firstly he complemented my looks, which he does very often & thereafter he told me that if it is OK with me, he would like to take our friendship a step closer & would like to have sex with me. Well it didn’t come to me as a shock, because I knew he was intrested in me & seriously I thought that he was joking & infact laughed & told him that he has a nice sense of humour. But he told me that he was serious, my spontainous reacton was that I told him that It’s not right since I am married & soon he will be married. Well I managed to end this topic right there for the day & we came back home.
But after that day whenever we met, he made it a point to be persistant with me on this issue & I always told him that I can’t do this & we are friends. But when I am at home alone or at my office, I couldn’t help but think about him. I guess unknowingly even I started liking him & even sometimes felt that why shouldn’t I have sex with him, but I kept holding myself back. One day we were having dinner at my flat & he kept telling the same thing & he tried to touch my hand & I resisted & he immediatly backed off & said sorry. He told me that he likes me & since my husband is away, I don’t have to worry about anything. He told me that when my husband is away, why am I hesitating to have sex & trying to suppress my desires & feelings. He told me that when my husband is with me, then it is a different story & I have to be there for my husband & even tried to convince me by giving examples & told me that if my husband is away, will I stop eating till my husband comes back, then why hold back on my sexual desires. I told him that I am not yet ready for this & we finished our dinner & he went to his flat.
I started thinking about this & honestly even my hormones were kicking in & I too wanted to have sex with him, but I was controlling my self. I felt that since my husband is away & comes only once in four months, there is nothing wrong in having sex with him & we can keep doing this untill my husband comes back for good in about two years & by then he also would have found a girl & would have got married & after my husband comes back, I can just be there for my husband & lead my life & he also can live happily with his wife & after that even if we meet, it will be just as friends & nothing more that hi,hello.
Aunty I also thought about that night & I realised that I was alone with him & he was forcing me to have sex with him, but it was only a verbal forcing & when he came to touch me & the moment I resisted, he backed off. If he wanted to he could have forced me physically & I really don’t know for how long I could have resisted him & I would have accepted him finally, but he didn’t do that. He wanted to do it with my full consent & he told me that we can goahead with it only if I say yes. I feel that he is a nice man & he really cares about me & as on today I feel that I want to goahead & have sex with him.
Now if I do goahead & start sleeping with him, I don’t think anybody would come to know especally my husband & I don’t think anyone In my apartment also would notice, because everyone knows that we are friends & we are behaving that way, except now we will have our private moments in our flats, which no one would come to know. Aunty, please tell me what I should do & once I start doing this, what else I can expect & is there a posibility of any complications even though I take care that this should be done in our flats & we don’t display our affection in the open & also please advice me on how you think I should handle this & what problems if at all any you foresee in such a relation. I am sure you can sense what this may lead me to better than me because of your exposure to people & you can advice me how to avoid a problem which you think can arise because of this.
Aunty, I hope you understand the situation in which I am now & the fact that I was a virgin before I got married & I really had lot of desires in my mind before I got married, which I am deprived of because my husband’s job & it will take atleast two years for him to come back for good & when he comes back, we can live a normal married life & until then I feel that I can fulfil my sexual desires with this guy & once my husband comes back, I can get back to my husband & he will get married & we can move on.
Aunty, please advice me as I am very confused & please tell me what are the things I should keep in mind before I start to sleep with him & what are the things I should expect or do in these two years during which I’ll have this sexual relation with him.
Hope to hear from you soon…………………………
Take care & bye,
Ritu
Aunty Anjali says:
Hi Ritu
Thanks for your question. It was a long read but I understand why you had to make it so long. First let us discuss the marriage situation. It is one of the most difficult things in life to have a long distance relationship and even harder when you are married. Your husband is off around the world and very busy which makes all the lonely time for you. This is really tough and I will be honest it can break alot of relationships and causes even more marriages to lead to affairs. The world is full of stories like this.
You need to sit your husband down and tell him that this is just not working for you. That you as a woman have desires and needs. Not just sexual but emotional too. That is what a marriage is, a bond of two people. You need to tell him that something needs to change or you will have to make some changes.
As for the man next door. I would stay away from him for now. If your husband and you can work it out than you are much better off staying away from him. It will only cause problems for you. If you and your husband can not work things out maybe he could be the right guy. You seem to like him and he likes you. I don’t know who this man plans to marry or if he has a suitor yet, but that should be in discussion at a later date.
Life is what you make of it. It is far too short to be unhappy. Take the steps you need to make to bring happiness to your life. But start by giving your husband a chance.
Good Luck.
Cheers,
